San Francisco, here I come.

I'm ready for college. I'm ready to be done with high school. I had a great 4 years(for the most part), but it's time for me to do something else. I'm so excited about San Francisco. I met a lot of cool people and made some good friends for mostly the past 3 years, but I just feel like San Fran is going to provide me with so many opportunities I could never get in the desert. I know that I'll be scared when I leave, but it's a good kind of scared. My mom really wants me to go to COD, but there's nothing in the world that could make me stay here any longer than I have to. I'm ready for a change, I'm ready to move to fucking San Francisco.

I'm tired of being around high school kids. Some are great, don't get me wrong. But for so long I've half-way been in a lot of groups. Where I'm friends with them and I occasionally hang out with them, but I've never been "in" a group. Some friends have questioned our friendship because of one thing or another, I've ruined some friendships, other people have ruined some friendships, or we were just separated. Whatever the reason, I honestly don't think I've made a friend that will be my friend 10 years from now. I could be wrong, and in some cases I really hope that I am, but I just have that feeling.

I think, no I know, that I'm going to meet great people in college. I'm tired of being surrounded by the same 3,000 kids all the time. I'm ready to start over and change my life into exactly what I want it to be.

My response to her blog.

I know that I don't treat her the way I should, I know that I could treat her better. I know that I should be there for her more than I am. I know that I'm not the girlfriend I should be. I sit here listening to her play piano, and it's so beautiful. There's nothing in the whole world that I'd rather listen to right now. I can feel her in her music. I know that she loves me. And I love her, but I should love her more. I want to give her everything. I want to be her everything. I want to make her happy, more than you know, more than she knows. And I look back at her while she's sitting on her piano bench, and she's the prettiest girl I've ever seen. I know that I should do so much more than I am, but why aren't I? Her voice gives me chills, her voice stops me in my tracks, her voice makes me want to cry. Her smile is my world. Her laugh is the air I breathe. I don't care how cliche this sounds, because I love her. But then if she gets upset, I feel horrible. I would do anything to make her happy, anything in the whole world. And I pray to God that He will show me what to do, that He will give me the strength to be the person I need to be, and to do the things I need to do. I have no idea what the future holds for me, or her, or us. I don't know where I'll be in 5 years, or what I'll be doing, or who I'll be with. All I know is that I want to be with her right now, in this moment. All I know is that she makes me so happy and I don't tell her that enough. But I'll start to, I promise. I want her to know how much she means to me. I want her to know that I would be lost without her in my life. And I want her to be safe. I wish I could protect her from all of the bad things in life, I wish I could protect her from the people in the world that will be mean to her. I wish I could protect her from the insults that her parents will shoot at her. I wish I could protect her from the dark thoughts that enter her mind at night. But I know that I can't. All I can do is be there for her when those things happen, and hope that by holding her in my arms that I can make things just a little bit better. I could talk about her for hours, but for now I'll end this. I'll end it by saying that I could never describe in words how much she means to me, and the words beautiful, gorgeous, kind, caring, adorable, loving, sweet, and perfect don't do justice to the person that she is.

New Song

This isn't about me by the way...

My mind isn't as it should be
My mind is so unorganized
My mind isn't as it should be
When you aren't at my side

I'm awake when the sun is sleeping
I'm awake when the moon is out
I'm awake when the sun is sleeping
And I'm wondering what it's all about

I smoke too many cigarettes
I smoke to waste the day away
I smoke too many cigarettes
When it's time for you to go your way

My girl's going back to San Francisco
My girl's going back to her home
My girl's going back to San Francisco
But I will see her once again
I will see her once again
Once again
Once again

I try so hard to please you
I try so hard to make you smile
I try so hard to please you
But between us is so many miles

I write sonnets of love
I write things no one will read
I write sonnets of love
To show you that you're all I need

I will go out into the world
I will shake this dust off my feet
I will go out into the world
And I ask that you come with me

My girl's going back to San Francisco
My girl's going back to her home
My girl's going back to San Francisco
But I will see her once again
I will see her once again
Once again
Once again

My baby's saying goodbye
My baby's saying so long
My baby's saying goodbye
But that don't mean she isn't mine

But I will see her once again
I will see her once again
Once again
Once again

I feel like I'm in the movie Garden State

I have a lot to say, I'll probably post more later. Money is still an issue, and I still don't have a solution to it. I have so many things on my mind, I couldn't even begin to say it all. It's Christmas tomorrow. Woah. Senior year is going by so fast, like really fast. I'm beginning to get scared that I'm going to miss something really important and fuck something up, hopefully that's just a feeling. I just need to close my eyes...relax...and breathe.

So I have an official girlfriend as of today. She's freaking amazing. I'm so happy that I found her. I think that we're going to be great together, I really believe that. We've known each other for a couple of years, but our relationship is very new. But even though it's new, we've connected so much. I know teenagers are always like "I love my boyfriend/girlfriend so much. They're the best!" But we really have gotten to know each other. I feel like I can tell her anything. I love being with her. I spent almost 4 days in a row with her and the second I left, I missed her. I think this is the start of something amazing, let's hope I'm right.

Future occupation: beach bum

I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm so stressed out. School is scaring the shit out of me, high school and college. I don't know what to do and I don't know where to go. My relationships, romantic and non-romantic, are very confusing and not going so well. This is my only opportunity to fix all of this, and I don't know if I have time. I'm afraid that I screwed up, and I'm going to regret. Oh man, am I going to regret it. This is my life, this is my only shot at senior year. Whatever I decided to do, or actually do, is going to change my life, impact it in some way. How am I supposed to know what to do? What is the right answer? Who am I supposed to go to for advice? What if I make the wrong choice and I fuck everything up? I do not like the way I feel right now.

"At least I tried didn't I? God damnit, at least I did that."

Well...I got my own phone, I am independent. The end.

I really need to do better in school, I'm so lazy, but if I don't get better grades I don't know what college is going to accept me. And I can't live in the desert after high school, I just can't do it, I'll suffocate.

I'm still very stressed about everything, mostly money, but other things also. I suppose everything happens for a reason and I just need to let nature take it's course. I haven't dated a lot of girls, but when I did they were older than me, I never thought about what it would be like to be the older one. It's different, very different.

I really hope I'm making the right friends, I hope these are friendships that will last forever, well, if not forever at least a long time. I really need that.

"We must stare into a crystal ball and only see the past"

I'm going to create a new post, even though I just did, because this one is going to be about another subject entirely. You can't help who you have feelings for, I wish people would understand that. If you like someone then they shouldn't feel awkward around you, or you them. You should just be comfortable around them as a friend, that you just happen to have feelings for. And I'm not really talking about anyone in particular right now, these are just my thoughts right now. Sometimes you want to be with someone so bad, you think that you'll settle for anyone. And that's what I used to do...but with guys. I used to say yes just to be with someone. And I learned that you'll never be happy that way. But sometimes you see people that have girlfriends/boyfriends/significant others and you want to be like them. You want to have someone there that you can rely on, that you can talk to, that you can hold hands with. Everyone wants that, but sometimes the feeling is stronger than other times. Reminiscing can be a good or bad thing, right now it's a bad thing. It's hard to hear about an ex talk about their crush or girlfriend. You just feel like you weren't good enough for them, even though you did everything you could for them, probably more than they deserved. But you just have to get over it, otherwise you'll never move on. Everything happens for a reason, and if I'm no longer with that person, then it's because something else needs to happen that can't happen if I was still with them. Being single can suck sometimes, but it's also good because it frees you to meet people that you normally wouldn't get to meet or hang out with.

Okay I'm going to stop being a girl now and stop complaining. My life is pretty damn good compared to other people's lives and I should be grateful, for everything. That's hard to do, especially when you're depressed and so stressed out and overwhelmed that you feel like you're going to collapse, but I'm going to do my best.

"We must stare into a crystal ball and only see the past. And into the caverns of tomorrow with just our flashlights and our love, we must plunge, we must plunge, we must plunge." .....oh Bright Eyes, you have a way with words.