I feel like I'm in the movie Garden State

I have a lot to say, I'll probably post more later. Money is still an issue, and I still don't have a solution to it. I have so many things on my mind, I couldn't even begin to say it all. It's Christmas tomorrow. Woah. Senior year is going by so fast, like really fast. I'm beginning to get scared that I'm going to miss something really important and fuck something up, hopefully that's just a feeling. I just need to close my eyes...relax...and breathe.

So I have an official girlfriend as of today. She's freaking amazing. I'm so happy that I found her. I think that we're going to be great together, I really believe that. We've known each other for a couple of years, but our relationship is very new. But even though it's new, we've connected so much. I know teenagers are always like "I love my boyfriend/girlfriend so much. They're the best!" But we really have gotten to know each other. I feel like I can tell her anything. I love being with her. I spent almost 4 days in a row with her and the second I left, I missed her. I think this is the start of something amazing, let's hope I'm right.

Future occupation: beach bum

I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm so stressed out. School is scaring the shit out of me, high school and college. I don't know what to do and I don't know where to go. My relationships, romantic and non-romantic, are very confusing and not going so well. This is my only opportunity to fix all of this, and I don't know if I have time. I'm afraid that I screwed up, and I'm going to regret. Oh man, am I going to regret it. This is my life, this is my only shot at senior year. Whatever I decided to do, or actually do, is going to change my life, impact it in some way. How am I supposed to know what to do? What is the right answer? Who am I supposed to go to for advice? What if I make the wrong choice and I fuck everything up? I do not like the way I feel right now.

"At least I tried didn't I? God damnit, at least I did that."

Well...I got my own phone, I am independent. The end.

I really need to do better in school, I'm so lazy, but if I don't get better grades I don't know what college is going to accept me. And I can't live in the desert after high school, I just can't do it, I'll suffocate.

I'm still very stressed about everything, mostly money, but other things also. I suppose everything happens for a reason and I just need to let nature take it's course. I haven't dated a lot of girls, but when I did they were older than me, I never thought about what it would be like to be the older one. It's different, very different.

I really hope I'm making the right friends, I hope these are friendships that will last forever, well, if not forever at least a long time. I really need that.

"We must stare into a crystal ball and only see the past"

I'm going to create a new post, even though I just did, because this one is going to be about another subject entirely. You can't help who you have feelings for, I wish people would understand that. If you like someone then they shouldn't feel awkward around you, or you them. You should just be comfortable around them as a friend, that you just happen to have feelings for. And I'm not really talking about anyone in particular right now, these are just my thoughts right now. Sometimes you want to be with someone so bad, you think that you'll settle for anyone. And that's what I used to do...but with guys. I used to say yes just to be with someone. And I learned that you'll never be happy that way. But sometimes you see people that have girlfriends/boyfriends/significant others and you want to be like them. You want to have someone there that you can rely on, that you can talk to, that you can hold hands with. Everyone wants that, but sometimes the feeling is stronger than other times. Reminiscing can be a good or bad thing, right now it's a bad thing. It's hard to hear about an ex talk about their crush or girlfriend. You just feel like you weren't good enough for them, even though you did everything you could for them, probably more than they deserved. But you just have to get over it, otherwise you'll never move on. Everything happens for a reason, and if I'm no longer with that person, then it's because something else needs to happen that can't happen if I was still with them. Being single can suck sometimes, but it's also good because it frees you to meet people that you normally wouldn't get to meet or hang out with.

Okay I'm going to stop being a girl now and stop complaining. My life is pretty damn good compared to other people's lives and I should be grateful, for everything. That's hard to do, especially when you're depressed and so stressed out and overwhelmed that you feel like you're going to collapse, but I'm going to do my best.

"We must stare into a crystal ball and only see the past. And into the caverns of tomorrow with just our flashlights and our love, we must plunge, we must plunge, we must plunge." .....oh Bright Eyes, you have a way with words.

I wish I knew how to make counterfeit money

A lot of things have happened lately, and I'm beginning to stress even more. I applied to San Francisco State and UC Davis, which relieved my stress for a short period of time. Then I began to realize that I have absolutely no money to pay for college, so I started to frantically search for scholarships, which is very time consuming. Also, another factor that is contributing to my lack of money is that my mom has cut me off. Besides food and shelter, she's not going to pay for anything. No cell phone, no college applications, no nothing. I have a job, which I am very grateful for, but it doesn't really provide me with enough money to do all of the things I need to do, let alone want to do. I'm in Youth and Government, and altogether that costs $925, yeah that's a lot of money in case you didn't know. So far I have $460 in my account and I need $625 by Friday, yeah I'm freaking out. I get paid Friday, so all of my paycheck and $60 from my bank account is going to Youth and Government. And I know it'll be worth it in the end because Y&G is one of the best things I've ever done, it just sucks ass not to have any money. And I'm trying to get a pre-paid phone, because not having a phone at all is very inconvenient. When your parents pay for everything for you, $20 here, $30 there, seems like nothing. When you have to pay for everything yourself, it's a lot of money. Priorities are a bitch. I know that college applications and Youth and Government come first, and going to the movies etc. comes second, but I still want to be a kid. I want to have fun before I go to college and leave my friends, but that's so hard to do when everyone around you is stressing because of college and everyone is broke and doesn't have the time to do anything. Not to mention, my ovaries are relentless and won't stop torturing me.

The only thing that can calm me down and make me happy right now is playing my guitar. I find myself playing guitar for hours, whether I'm writing a song or just messing around. I love the feeling of being able to contribute to society, in some strange and weird way. I feel like I have something to offer to people, like if I can't do anything else like go to college or get a career that'll change the world, I can play my music. I can make myself happy and hopefully do the same for those around me. I don't know, I'll just be glad when I have the major things paid off, and then I can start saving for the most important things: a car and Coachella Fest tickets.